Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
