Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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