i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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