I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
