I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
