Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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