Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
