She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
