My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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