just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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