I puked a lego.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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