I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
