from now on my penis is your penis
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
