We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
