I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
