I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize