If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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