Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
