well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
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