I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
