can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
