you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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