My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
It's blow job season.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
