I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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