Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
