the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
