You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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