It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
