The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
