I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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