True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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