I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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