soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
