Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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