no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
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