there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
