dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
