I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
