I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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