I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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