Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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