I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I want a musical about memes.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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