My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
