Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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