My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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