2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
