hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
