Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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