you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
