I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
