You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
