M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
