i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
