When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
