My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
