So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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