I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
