i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize