I just made out with a guy for $7.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
i believe in u and ur pee
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
